Diario de MsWahine

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29 diciembre 2009

My messy life is blowing up all around me. Holy cow. It's 8:30 and I'm still sitting in the office. I can't wait until this year is done. I hate saying that. But it's so true.

It's raining outside. And it's cold. I'm sitting here not wanting to go home but knowing I have to go home. I want to see my babygirl. And then I want to shut out the rest of my life. No more employees. No more grumpy home life. No more tears and drama.

I can't seem to see anything clearly. My marriage. My business. My health. I am so caught up in EVERYTHING that NOTHING is getting resolved. We are so under the gun right now in the office to finish out the year, that nerves are on edge. Everyone here thinks I am letting my personal life take over my business and my husband thinks I am letting my business take over my personal life. And everyone is probably right. I feel inadequate and mediocre. Passion resides in a place far away from me.

I want to downsize my life - My weight. My house. My business. I can't even address my marriage. The implications are terrifying right now. I am an onlooker and a participant in the unraveling of my own life and it carries with it a bruising sense of withdrawal. I am holding onto this journal as a peculiar sort of lifeline. Not because it gives me any answers, but because it puts in black & white the reality that is mine. I write a little each day and each day I know I have made it through. And if I make it through this day it means I can make it through the next. And I don't mean that in the sense of wanting to "end it all;" it's not that at all. I mean it in the sense of actually acknowledging what is happening rather than sweeping it under the rug like I am prone to do. And in the acknowledgement, knowing it can be survived. A day at a time.

I know, implicitly, that my weight issues are tied to everything that is going on. Not even tied; that suggests that they are 2 separate things that are then knotted together. It's more like a piece of fabric where each thread is woven to create a signature pattern and weft that in turn produces a whole. The tapestry of my life right now has umber and grey throughout, occassionally broken up by the sparkly rainbow bits named Gretchen. But as a whole it is bleak. I can't stand it. I want my colors back. They're there. I just want to bring them back.

FOOD TIMING:
Bed Time: 11:40
Wake Time: 9:15

9:40 - 2:30 - green tea
10:45 - cereal/yogurt
2:30 - lunch
4:30 - nonfat latte
6:00 - 9:00 green tea
8:00 - soy nuts

5 Wonderful Things
- A warm latte on a cold, wet day
- Kleenex with aloe vera (thank you whoever discovered how to do that!)
- Good friends who will listen to me cry on the phone forever and let me honk my nose in their ear
- Dried strawberries...oy vey...
- NyQuil...the "so you can sleep medicine"...they ain't kidding!

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28 diciembre 2009

I am borrowing (with permission!) this idea from <a href="http://www.fatsecret.com/member/dawn0001"><b>Dawn0001</b></a>...I love the idea of being aware of the things for which you are grateful. I need to do more of this to keep from sinking into a morass of boorishness.

5 Wonderful Things
1. Babygirl running into the garage to hug me when I get home
2. Chocolate cake...OMG...
3. Peppermint tea on chilly nights
4. Finding money in a coat pocket
5. Taking out my contact lenses

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28 diciembre 2009

Husband and daughter sick with the trots and me sick with the green avenging snots. My first day back in the office in 5 days and I was so beat, I could hardly function. Seems to be a mix of illness and overwhelm. End of year production in the office had all of us in hyper-drive. As a result I missed an appointment this evening, my timing on eating got way off and I didn't leave the office until 8:40 tonight. Hectic & harried. Also found out my hairdresser has retired...::SOB::...this means I shall be in search of another; what bollocks! It's those things, like finding a new hairdresser, that can just be the proverbial straw. ::GRUMBLE::

I'm not sure what's going on, but whatever crud I got has moved into my lungs. An ominous sign. I'll need to be careful; I'll add it to my TO DO list: DO NOT LET CRUD GET TOO ATTACHED TO LUNGS. Am drinking tons of tea and staying warm. Also going to bed earlier the last few nights than I have for the past few weeks. Hoping the stress at office and at home will abate as we begin a new year. ::CROSSES FINGERS::

FOOD TIMING:
Bed time: 11:30
Wake time: 8:15

9:00 - green tea
10:00 - persimmon pudding/yogurt
10:00 - 2:30 - green tea
2:50 - walk to post office
3:15 - trip to Whole Foods (craving on of their panini)
3:30 - 8:30 - green tea
9:00 - dinner
9:00 - 11:00 - green tea

Waited too long to eat because I got too caught up in everything that needed to get done today. Got a little activity in before I ate, though, which hopefully sent the right messages to the metabolism. Dinner was also really late...

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27 diciembre 2009

I am still sick with this snotty cold. I don't know why, but when I get sick. I crave pasta with butter - it probably has something to do with what my mom would give my sister & I when we were kids. Anyway, at 6:30 I gave into the crave. It tasted SOOOOOOOO good. I felt a little guilty because I have really been making a concerted effort to curb carbs by late afternoon. But today I said to hell with it. I did measure the pasta I ate, though, so I wouldn't go overboard, and I threw in some protein and greens. And like I saidit tasted DEE-lish.

Felt blah all day. Sunday...back to the grind tomorrow. My husband has the next 2 weeks off from school and will stay home with our daughter. He'll go back to school around the same time she & I leave for Hawaii. I have been reserved since the chaos and crabbiness has been circling around our house for weeks. All of us got sick the day before Christmas which just made things that much worse. I'm looking forward to Hawaii on anumber of levels. It would be great to stop blowing my nose before we leave. When we get back, I want to get my business back on its feet for 2010. Then I want to figure out how to have a marriage that doesn't bring me to my knees in frustration and sorrow every time things get stressful. And I want to lose weight and get healthy so I can handle all of the above.

MINI GOAL: Lose 5 lbs. by my birthday on 1/26. I wanted to be more dramatic than 5, but I figure I need something that's attainable.

FOOD TIMING:
Bed time: 12:40
Wake time: 9:30

10:30 - green tea
11:45 - lunch
12:00 - 2:30 - green tea
12:30 - yogurt w/seeds, persimmon
2:00 - eggnog, chocolate
2:30 - 3:00 walk
3:30 - tortila wrap (dinner)
3:30 - 7:30 green tea
6:30 - pasta
9:00 - 11:00 green/peppermint tea

10:30P update: on 2nd thought, getting back to the office will be good...I just ate a bunch of pistachios. Carb crave today was AWFUL, I ate the nuts instead of the big piece of cake I REALLY wanted. UGH. Being in the house with the fam makes for the munchies. WHY? It was similar yesterday, but today was off-the-hook worse.

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26 diciembre 2009

Did nothing today. Am, in fact, still in my pj's. Watched a lot of drivelly TV & movies. Gordon Ramsey in "Kitchen Nightmares" is hilarious; yet I wonder at the longevity of spending only a week in a failing restaurant. How can anything stick? Do people learn that quickly to change their bad habits?

Maybe Gordon can come yell at me so I can change my habits.

FOOD TIMING:
Sleep time 2:00
Wake time: 9:15

10:30 - 2:00 green tea
11:30 - persimmon pudding
12:30 - edamame
1:30 - lunch
2:30 - 7:00 green tea
5:00 - Chocolate
7:00 - Dinner
8:00 - 11:00 green tea
8:15 - pistachios/chocolate

12/25/09

FOOD TIMING:
Sleep time: 3:00ish
Wake time: 9:30

10:15 - green tea
11:00 - persimmon pudding
11:00 - 5:00 green tea
12:30 - pistachios
1:30 - lunch
5:30 - 7:30 - dinner/dessert/coffee
10:30 green/peppermint tea

I didn't get to take an actual walk, but I was on my feet all day cooking & cleaning. I think I only sat down to eat lunch for 15 minutes and eat dinner. So I ran around like a cuckoo. Have a horrible green yergh in my chest & nose. Third cold in 2 months.

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