Diario de MsWahine

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05 enero 2010

Stomach blech seems to be finito, thank goodness. I still, however, have residual chest blech, coughing and general throat clearing, which sounds like I'm trying to make a point but it really is just me trying to clear my throat. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Hack-hack. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem.

I am SOOOOO looking forward to the warm, tropical weather of the Big Island of Hawaii. I actually want to stick my rear in my not-sexy-at-all-fat-lady-bathing-suit; sit in those salty waves and watch sea turtles and look for shells and shake the sand out of my daughter's bathing-suited butt. Hawaii is a place where my body awareness gets taken down a few notches because I am in a place where I look like most everyone else. Everybody comes in all shapes and sizes, but I blend in more. I'm not so distinct because my "exotic looks" that get me puzzled looks in California are native to Hawaii. There's no question of my gene-pool. Everyone whose from Hawaii looks at me and knows I'm a hapa, a half-breed mix. They see the Hawaiian, they see the haole (white), they can probably even discern the Chinese.

I've been mistaken for Latina, Fijian, middle eastern, Jewish, Filipina, Sicilian (foughedaboudit), Romanian, Lapplander, Janet Jackson (!)...in Hawaii, I'm just an island girl. Granted, I'm an island girl with a haole accent, but I am island. It is, without question, a place I am allowed to make my home even though I wasn't born there, wasn't raised there, and cannot name all my ancestors back to Kamehameha. My journeys to Hawaii have been itinerate and infrequent, and I sound like pure college-bred honky when I open my mouth. Nonetheless, I am an island girl. And nothing can or will ever change that. And that, my friends, is pretty darned neat.

5 Wonderful Things:
- Objectivity when you least expect it
- Kind words
- Writing a heartfelt thank you note
- Surprising someone with a small token just because I can
- Chasing my daughter through the house until she laughs like a banshee

FOOD TIMING:
Bed time: 1:35A
Wake time: 8:15
Morning weight: Forgot!

10:15 - 12:45 - tea
10:25 - Breakfast
2:30 - lunch
2:30 - 7:00 - tea & water
7:00 - sunflower seeds
9:20 - dinner
9:20 - 11:30 - tea

Timing totally off. Stayed up too late and threw everything out of whack. Just tried to make sure I limited my carbs to the earlier part of the day. Didn't have any soy nuts left in my desk so had nothing to nibble when I stayed at the office late to get ready for being gone a month. Did, however, find a stale half pack of sunflower seeds, which I tried to siphon off through the eve. Ate entirely too late, but kept carbs at a minimum. Will be up late tonight, tho not as late as last night, so will give the food time to settle down. UGH.

(6 comentarios)

04 enero 2010

Got into the office this morning before anyone else with the intent to pay bills and then get back out again. My "just a little while at the office" turned into most of the day and I didn't leave until 6 hours later. I needed to eat something, so I ran to a great local bakery called <a href="http://www.artisanbakers.com/">Artisan Bakers</a> that serves lunch. I was just going to grab a sandwich and run. But I knew if I did that it would be another 20 minutes before I actually ate. So I decided, "What the hay!" and sat at the table and ate.

It was actually a new experience for me. There was absolutely nothing to read, I didn't have my cell phone (dead battery) so I could check email, and I had nothing in my bag to read either. There was no one to talk to and nothing to listen to except for the workers behind the counter who kept talking about whether or not they should get cigarettes. I honestly do not know the last time I sat somewhere and just ate my food - without distraction. It was odd. But I really tasted my food. Gee, what a novel concept, eh?

But I picked a hell of a day to go out in public and be conspicuous. I had no makeup, I didn't even brush my hair. I was wearing glasses and I am awfully pale from being sick for so long. It's always nice to have your horrid state affirmed for you. As I sat there, one of my insureds walked in who I've known for years. We run into each other downtown all the time, exchange small talk, etc. He works right down the street from the bakery. He ordered a blueberry danish and as he turned around I said, "Hey Chris!" He stared at me with a totally blank look on his face. I said my name and he said, "Oh gosh, I didn't recognize you at all." Niiiiiiiiiiiiiice. To which I replied, "Yeah, I know, I look like hell. I've been sick for weeks." Smile. Grin. Here, let me give you a big hug and a wet kiss...

5 Wonderful Things:
- a lunch with no rushing and no interruptions
- the light at the end of the stomach flu tunnel
- a beautifully crafted cup of hot chocolate
- time to put things in order in my office
- though sad to take the Christmas tree down, I love the feeling of accomplishment when everything is packed carefully away and safe again for another year

FOOD TIMING:
Bed Time: 12:25
Wake Time: 7:55
AM Weight: 239.2

9:20 - 2:30 - tea
2:40 - lunch
3:00 - 10:30 tea & water
8:40 - chocolate

Timing was off today, but seem to be in a new phase of this bug, hopefully the healing phase. Had no appetite today. AT ALL. Had a really rough night last night that had me wondering if I'd ever be well again. But today I've had no stomach flu episodes. I did make sure to eat lunch when my stomach started to hurt a bit. Tonight it didn't hurt and I felt nothing but thirsty, so I've been trying to down tea & water.

(6 comentarios)

03 enero 2010

I lay on the couch and watched period films all day today. It felt decadent and lazy. I always have this difficulty with being sick, that I don't get enough done or am being too unproductive. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. As a kid when I got sick, I wasn't really babied unless I had discernible signs of illness - fever, red spots, throwing up, diarrhea. If I just "didn't feel well," there was little tolerance for it. Cramps, headaches, aches and pains or general malaise...these were all things that were NOT in the rulebook for illness in our household.

My sister had the amazing ability to faint throughout our childhood, a talent which made me so jealous. I just had nosebleeds, a problem which eventually got me sent to the doctor one day after school when I was about 9 or 10 to get the veins in my nose cauterized. It hurt like the Dickens, but I never got a nosebleed again. Meanwhile my sister continued to have fainting spells well into high school. She got to faint, I got a cauterized nose.

I got sick every winter, my tonsils swollen and sore. My sister would sometimes get sick, but if she did, she was able to recuperate quickly. Though I had more doctor's visits, more fevers, more flus, she somehow was tagged as the more sickly and frail of the 2 of us. I never made the association as a child that no one really believed I could be sickly because I was the fat one. She was the skinny one, and everyone knows the skinny ones are more frail than the fat ones.

It's interesting now as an adult. Because similar to how as a child I couldn't get a break unless I was deathly ill, the same is the case, even now. I do not give myself "a break" unless I am at death's door. It is my chance to let go and give in. It is something I am going to have to relearn - how to make "letting go" and "giving in" part of the daily process. Just as food can be timed, so can taking time for myself. If I don't, every December will be fraught with this sort of stress and sickness, where the only way I can watch a day's worth of "Little Women" and "Persuasion" is if I am on my back with a stomach flu or pneumonia. I don't want to continue like this because I know, as with everything else I am journaling here, it's all related and part of the fabric.

5 Wonderful Things:
- fresh arugula, straight from the garden
- a good chick flick
- sleeping in
- a down comforter
- the expectant thrill caused by the smell of the pages of a brand new book

FOOD TIMING:
Bed time: 11:30
Wake time: 9:35
Morning weight: 238.6

10:10 - 11:00 - tea
11:00 - breakfast
11:00 - 2:30 - tea
2:30 - lunch
3:00 - 7:00 - tea
7:30 - dinner
8:00 - 10:30 - tea

I know better than to be pleased by the 1 lb weight loss between yesterday and today. It's all sick weight. Though I feel better today and had an appetite, everything that goes in comes right back out the other end. Really kept awareness of timing and ate no "obvious" carbs (starch) for dinner. I also passed on the 77% dark chocolate though I had a crave for a little something sweet. I had it in my hand, the pieces broken off, then decided to pass because the sugar probably isn't a good choice for the stomach right now. I am regretting the 1/2 piece of chocolate cake I ate at lunch. Not much energy today, though I took ibuprophen to alleviate the headache, which helped a lot. I'm not one for drugs, but the headache was pretty killer-diller.

(2 comentarios)

02 enero 2010

8:30P UPDATE:
I'm feeling better. My head still hurts and I'm tired, but managed some Manhattan clam chowder earlier. I pulled all the potatoes out, but have no way of recording that...tho clams were not my first choice for a delicate stomach, it was the only canned soup in the cupboard that had "pick-outable" carbs. And it amazes me how persistent sweet cravings are. I had some 77% dark chocolate to cut the crave and am drinking more tea.
====================================================================
This bug is persnicketyly awful. It doesn't help that I still have a bronchial cough. Cough + stomch flu = disaster.

I will need to catch up on FatSecret later as sitting up has my head splitting off my neck. I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

I have no idea why I am on this poetry kick, but here's a little Henry Wadsworth Longfellow that is appropriate for our FS journey!

Loss and Gain
"When I compare
What I have lost with what I have gained,
What I have missed with what attained,
Little room do I find for pride.

I am aware
How many days have been idly spent;
How like an arrow the good intent
Has fallen short or been turned aside.

But who shall dare
To measure loss and gain in this wise?
Defeat may be victory in disguise;
The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide."

5 Wonderful Things
- Tea, tea, tea!
- Flannel sheets
- A good read
- A cozy couch & a big, fuzzy blanket to nest in
- The piping voice that says, "Mama, let me kiss your tummy and make it better."

FOOD TIMING:
Bed time: 10:30
Wake time: 5:45
Morning weight: 239.6

6:00 - 9:00 - tea
10:00 - 3:00 - Gatorade
11:30 - pasta
12:30 - pasta with broth
1:30 - cookie
3:00 - 4:30 - nap
5:00 - 8:00 - peppermint/green tea

For obvious reasons my hunger was pretty minimal. But I really wanted pasta, so I ate a lot. Lord, I forgot how many calories are in pasta. I haven't had enough liquids today, but am drinking more tea to catch up. I've lost a lot of fluid today, but it was hard to keep anything in. I ate when I realized my empty stomach needed something in it even if it wasn't going to stay in. It felt better. Eating the cookie was out of pure belligerence.

(3 comentarios)

01 enero 2010

I am sitting here with a fever and a sore tummy and a headache, and for as much as I do not want to believe it, I think I have managed to get the stomach flu that my husband and daughter had last week. I thought I had escaped it to suffer instead through the bronchial thing I've been fighting for a week and a half. It would appear this eve, however, that I get to have BOTH. Holy cow. I'm so very bummed. But not surprised. The stress levels at office & home have been phenomenal, something I've forced myself to be aware of through this journal. I'm not very fond of the reality of it, and it's so uncomfortable to even voice it. But I am really, really trying to hold my feet to the fire about things that make me uncomfortable; evaluating how doing something that may feel awkward may in the long term have lasting, GOOD effects.

I have lived so much of my adult life moonlighting as a warrior and a savior of lost souls, that I think I have run out of steam and now have to just concentrate on the important things, like my family and my health and my well-being. A pivotal birthday in 25 days has me assessing the 4 decades that have brought me to this point.

Ah, well. I must take leave of this keyboard. I really feel like utter poo. But on the heels of what I have written above about doing things that are uncomfortable, I am going to begin something that scares me, and that is weighing myself daily, something I have noticed that <a href="http://www.fatsecret.com/member/information">information</a> does. It's a concept that has always caused major stress for me, but it also allows me, perhaps, to do the ostrich. My weekly weigh-ins feel safe. It has been offered to me that the way I have done things in the past hasn't worked to the present as far as weight loss is concerned (and probably a lot of other things as well...). So, daily weigh-ins may be an alternate way of looking at things. Retraining the gray matter. ::SIGH:: It's gonna be an uphill one, yessiree.

A little quote to remind us about change:
"Those who expect moments of change to be comfortable and free of conflict have not learned their history."
~Joan Wallach Scott

FOOD TIMING:
Bed time: 11:30
Wake time: 9:20
Morning weight: 240.2

10:15 - 2:00 - green tea
10:45 - breakfast
4:00 - lunch/dinner (Chuck E Cheese for toddler Bday party)
6:00 - 9:00 - green tea

Not hungry at all the entire day, but tried to eat anyway. Breakfast to force some fiber, lunch/dinner because I hadn't eaten, but knew I needed something in spite of feeling like doodoo. The cake should have been passed up given the time of day. But I wanted something sweet.

5 Wonderful Things:
- watching a bunch of happy-like-puppies kids at Chuck E Cheese
- being eternally grateful that my almost-3-year-old was not throwing a tantrum for 2 hours like the little girl at the next table (I realize this has a tenor of eyeball rolling in it, but I really gotta say I am SOOOOO glad my daughter doesn't do that - when you see another kid doing it, I feel very blessed!)
- peppermint tea (I think I could write this one every day)
- new jeans that fit in a smaller size :)
- my tried & true ratty, natty, tatty, peely-balled sweater that is worn in all the right places

(3 comentarios)

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