Diario de MsWahine

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19 diciembre 2009

Peso:	Disminuído hasta ahora:	Aún para ir:	Dieta seguida:
110,7 kg	1,1 kg	40,4 kg	Bien

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18 diciembre 2009

Drag the Bag
I was tired today; late night again last night. Talking. Thinking. Talking. Considering. Talking. Remembering. It can be so difficult in this über disposable time in which we live to remain on a path that does not first veer toward divorce as the answer to all marital problems. Especially when those problems are grounded in the issues that individuals bring to the marriage. We are all peppered with flaws. Open up that baggage you're dragging behind you and you will discover a surfeit of idiosyncrasies that can confound even the most stalwart veteran of the skirmish that marriage can become.

My luggage of quirks that I've dragged around for almost 40 years has obviously created a mind-set and a body that thinks being fat is a state of normalcy. Why is that? Well, that's what I am trying to figure out. At different times, I have attained a weight and body shape that, while it was close to being where I wanted to be, I never quite got where I wanted to be. And now I'm right back at Square 1. My fattest (not counting pregnancy) was about 21 lbs ago at the end of April of this year. I lost that weight doing Weight Watchers, which is how I have been successful every other time losing weight. But then I stopped following the plan, again, when the stress seeped through.

I have dieted. I have fasted. I have thrown plumeria in an active volcano to entreat the goddess Pele for her strength. Then there has been my exercise regimes. I have walked. I have run. I have Jazzercised. I have aerobicized. I have stepped. I have yoga'ed. I have worked out with trainers. I have gone from 40% to 25% body fat in 31 days working my ass off. I have done these things since I was 8 years old. I think the first diet was the Scarsdale. I remember a lot of tomatoes cut into saw-toothed halves stuffed with dry, flaked tuna, a combo the taste of which, to this day, still turns my stomach.

That was about the same time as the box of chocolate macademia nuts. because I was on a diet, chocolate was out of the question. It was torture. It was temptation. They sat atop the fridge. I eyed them constantly. Finally one Saturday I took 2 out of the box when mom wasn't looking. But she came back before I could eat them, so I hid them beneath my sweatshirt. I ran from the kitchen, clutching the sweatshirt against my belly, and jumped on her bed. I didn't want her to see the lumps beneath my shirt. I started reading a book, and then the cat came and joined me on the bed. I lay there reading and listening to the cat purr, until soon I forgot all about chocolate macademias. Finally I got off the bed and went my merry way. 10 minutes later I heard my mother yelling in the bedroom, "That damned cat crapped all over the bed!" I ran in to see. And there upon my parents bed were 2 brown lumps and skidmarks. I actually thought it was cat poop too, until we both realized there was no smell and the truth and my forgetfulness came crushing down on me. Having to explain that one was NOT pretty.

It's a story that makes me snort every time I think of it. But it's funny because it's also sad, the comedic tragedy of life. All those implications...the need to hide food, the desire to eat the forbidden, the small deprivations, the tastes of the foods I hated. And a skinny older sister to boot. These are the defects I bring with me; these are the imperfections that have evolved into an over-achiever in an under-achieving body.

I have never been brave enough to write about my experiences as a fat girl and woman. I have never even written about it to myself, between the pages of a leather bound journal that only I would see. I had these nightmarish visions that I'd die in a car crash and then someone would find my journal and read about all my foibles, see the fatness - as though it wasn't already apparent! That is the irony.

I think it's something about the approach of my 40th birthday; something has loosened my need to hold so tightly to pretending I can ignore the elephant in the room, the one I see in the mirror every day.

FOOD TIMING
Bed time: 1:30A
Wake Time: 8:10A

9:00 - Green Tea
10:30 - Choc Cake
10:30 - 1:30 - Water & Green tea
1:30 - Lunch
1:30 - 4:15 Water & Green Tea
5:00 - Water
6:00 - Dinner
6:00 - 8:30 - Green Tea
6:30 - Ice Cream
7:00 - Chocolate
7:30 - Chocolate
8:30 - 9:00 - Hot water w/ lemon
11:40 - Fish Oil, 5 pistachios
9:00 - 12:00 Green/Peppermint tea

In sugar HELL today. My guess is I carb-loaded for too much of the day so by the time evening came, even though I tried to eat mostly protein & veg at dinner, I'd already set my body up for "the crave." Stuck with the high content cocao & Lucerne ice cream, but had 2 servings of each. Finally stopped sipping the tea and just gulped it so my stomach would have an excessively full feeling and hopefully kill the crave. It worked, but I sure felt like a water balloon.

Lunch was NOT what I would have picked, but I had a surprise visit at the office from my husband & daughter who had gone to Taco Bell to bring me lunch. Given the air between us this past 2 weeks and the tentative truce we've called, I figured one bad lunch could be endured without complaint. If it was goning to happen, at least it was lunch & not dinner...

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17 diciembre 2009

Edges
Today was another glassy day. Came to a head at 5:30 when my husband came by the office to talk. Behind shut doors; questions, his tears, a lot of my silence. There is so little left in me at the moment. I've always been the crier, histrionic and messy. Now I am just empty. Everything's been wrung out of me. My business feels like a noose. Will I make production happen by the end of the year? Will I be laying someone off? My marriage feels like a minefield, every step a potential for losing a limb. He asked me about divorce. It didn't even rattle me; I'm not sure it connected in my brain.

I see all these things, like an observer or someone passing by. My own life playing out before me. I watch and ask, "How have things come to this point? Where did it come apart?" But there is no discernable moment when one could say, "There! Right there, that's when this began." It's the same thing with gaining weight. Isn't it, in fact, all tied together? Isn't the excessive weight just another sign of a life coming undone? Because that's what I see in these words that fly out from my fingers, rattling the keyboard, onto the screen. It's not so much intentional to sit and lay bare a life in its raw form - the dirty laundry, the pieces with the sharp edges. It's more an uncovering of what has brought me here. Sifting through thoughts and words, trying to find the clues that lead to a 244 lb body on a 5'6 frame in my 39-year old brain. Because it won't stop unless the underlying cause can be identified. Every diet in the world, every exercise in the gym - I won't ever be able to maintain that physical representation of health if the emotional & mental health can't be brought to terms in the process.

And that's the part I have to work through, the part I have to expose in the laser beam of scrutiny. It's like your BEFORE fat photo when all the bulging, paunchy, roly-poly details of your body are revealed in the harsh light of the camera flash. You have to see where you start in order to know where you need to finish. You have to see the weighty reality of yourself in order to appreciate the svelte rendition you can become with the hard work it takes to get there.
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FOOD TIMING:
8:30 - Green Tea
10:30 - Snack (salmon on flax bread)
10:30 - 1:30 - Green Tea
1:45 - Lunch
3:30 - 5:00 - Water
5:50 - Dinner
8:00 - Ice Cream
9:00 - Green Tea
10:15 - Green/Peppermint Tea
(Fish oil right before bed)
Water was a problem today. Had a major sweet tooth after dinner, had to go to Safeway and get the Lucerne choc chip ice cream with its manageable carbs/fat. Water and more tea would have staved off the hunger that hit me when I got home. Be conscious and do it as best I can.

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17 diciembre 2009

Headband
I feel like I have a headband shaped headache on my noggin. Three days of this. I'm not a headache person. I'm sucking down liquids and I'm not hungry though I need to eat lunch soon.

Perhaps I should try Craigslist for a new head.

This is a partial head, courtesy of Ms. Gretchen and about how I feel, i.e. sans head parts, most prominent being the top of my head missing. Then there are also the noteworthy lack-of-sleep bags under my eyes.

<img src="http://www.cuteasabotton.com/fsecret/2noggin.jpg">

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16 diciembre 2009

Glass
One of my employees told me today that I seem like glass, as though I will shatter if anyone touches me too quickly or suddenly. No sound when the break occurs, just a silent splintering and a pile on the floor. That is how I have felt for days. Maybe even longer, but it's more apparent lately. She also told me I seem like I'm trapped. I snorted when she said that. Not out of derision but because it's so appropriate. I told her I'm living in that scene from Star Wars when Luke, Han, Chewbacca & Leia are in the garbage compactor and there's that big octopus monstor that keeps dragging Luke beneath the yergh. The walls are pressing in, and Luke & Han are dressed as Storm Troopers, and they looked like they're about to be crushed along with all the garbage when R2D2 saves the day (I think it was him; I can't remember now). I don't know what my R2D2 is going to be, but perhaps going to Hawaii for 5 weeks in January will help me figure it out.

Getting a handle on my body - image, weight, health - is more than some challenge or control issue. It's a matter of needing to know I am not leaving it up to chance. But this process, this new way of doing this, is forcing me to be a lot more intentional in different ways. When I did Weight Watchers, I lost a lot of weight. But when the proverbial poop hits the fan (like what I am going through right now), my ability to keep it up just disappears.

Trying this new approach with timing eating as well as intake of certain foods is less severe in certain aspects than Weight Watchers (I mean, decadent chocolate cake? :: SWOON ::), but requires just as much dedication to paying attention. I will eventually work in the timed exercise as well, because I always look and feel so much better when I exercise. Let's face it, muscle tone and a tight shape are always a plus. I figure if I can get a handle on this now, in the middle of the clusterf*ck that is currently my life, I may actually be able to sustain it for the rest of my life.

(SIDENOTE: I feel guilty for writing such depressing sounding journal entries, but another goal I have is to journal daily, and so far, the tenor of my current situ is leaning heavily toward the Drama Department. So, I'll keep waffling along, getting yanked into the yergh by the octopus garbage monster, but I shan't let it keep from chronicling this process. 'Sides, I'm not usually prone to long stretches of self-pity, so all the worries of the days will hopefully be joke-fodder in a few months. ENDNOTE:)

12/16/09 FOOD TIMING
Night prior bedtime: 1:15A
Wake time: 8:20A

9:15 - 11:30 Green Tea
11:55 - Lunch (ate early enough to eat the carbs I wanted to eat)
12:00 - 1:30 Green Tea
2:15 - 4:30 Green Tea
4:30 - Soy Nuts
5:00 - 6:30 - Water
7:10 - Dinner (still wanted something sweet after dinner, ate 3/4 of a fuyu persimmon & 3 squares of extra dark choc), Water.
8:00 - 9:00 - Peppermint Tea (caffeine free)

Bedtime needs to be earlier and I need to take my fish-oil supplement. Carbonated water was cut today. Am having issues drinking as much tea as I am AND water, but I know it will help flush & metabolize, so that's my goal tomorrow - concentrate on water.

One day at a time.

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