Diario de MsWahine

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09 enero 2010

I have been at the office all day with the intent to get work done before I leave for Hawaii on Monday night (we're spending the night near the airport so we don't have to get up at the crack of pre-dawn). But I have been very undisciplined and spent a goodly amount of that time perusing FatSecret instead. Can you say PROCRASTINATE? Jeepers. But I must say, I do so appreciate reading through everyone's journals, rifling back through the archives and seeing where you started to where you are today. It's inspiring. It makes what I am doing more accessible, seeing what others have gone through. Some bare their souls, others keep things closer to the vest. Regardless of the manner in which people communicate here, everything I've read has helped to drop another of my puzzle pieces into place.

Weight loss & gain are nearly always a pyschological tug-of-war. When we are in the midst of it, it is oftentimes difficult to see where we actually are. Becoming a part of this community has opened my eyes on so many levels. I am stunned at my own blindness - how blind I have been about my own physical self. I cannot even remember when the habit of avoiding full-length mirrors began. It's a far-reaching fixation that probably spans more than 25 years...I was only a girl when I started the process of avoiding and thus negating my own body. How did I begin hiding? What prompted the thought in my head that I needed to avert my eyes from my own flesh?

I have never undressed fully in front of my husband. We have been married for 7 years, together for over 8. We have a child. And yet the full view of my body has not been seen by this man who has shared nearly a quarter of my life with me. I honestly cannot say if any man I have been with has ever seen my nude body. The fact that I don't know for certain seems apparent that the answer is no.

I am not mentioning this bit of my pysche to make anyone uncomfortable. As I read and pour over other people's words, it is clear to me that there is a degree to this for many people and it's made me a bit introspective. The hiding. The shame. Feelings of inadequacy. Even here, in this setting where so many of us are here for the same reason, there is a hesitancy to document too definitively the painful parts of our histories. And I am not meaning to imply that people should. There's not necessarily a need for people to lay bare their deepest, darkest fears/worries/habits/secrets. But whether or not they are spoken of, they are there. Even in the unspoken, it's all there.

This, to me, is quite stunning. Magnificent, even. Yes, I know that sounds a bit overblown. But for 40 years I have held my own counsel about my weight. I have done Weight Watchers, but even though there are others in the room, you don't exactly sit and read each other's journals or even discuss much of what gets discussed here. And it has been here that I have learned, really for the first time, that all the shame and hurt I have felt as such a solitary experience for most of my life, has in fact been a burden carried by so many others in ways very similar if not exactly the same as my own.

I studied John Donne majoring in English Lit in college, but not until this moment does one of his most famous meditations make sense to me:

"...all mankind is of one author5 and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated....

Who casts not up his eye to the sun when it rises? but who takes off his eye from a comet when that breaks out? Who bends not his ear to any bell which upon any occasion rings? but who can remove it from that bell which is passing a piece of himself out of this world?

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were.

Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

5 Wonderful Things:
- Cupcakes for breakfast
- <a href="http://www.bluewick.com/Collection/Groove_Series/Groove_Series_-_Anjoumint/Groove_Series_-_Avocado/Groove_Series_-_Blackberry/Groove_Series_-_Guavapeel/Groove_Series_-_Peacharine/groove_series_-_peacharine.html"><b>Peacharine Bluewick candles</b></a>
- Anticipating vacation
- A good read
- Down comforter

FOOD TIMING:
Bed time: 12:20
Wake time: 9:15
Weight: 239

9:50 - 10:30 - water
11:00 - cupcakes
10:30 - 2:30 - tea
2:30 - lunch
3:00 - 8:30 tea
8:30 dinner

Woke up so late today, probably my body trying to catch up on sleep. not being as careful as I need to be with timing and food, aware of it, but will need to make some changes. Hawaii here I come! Expected weight gain this morning after yesterday's indulgence. I was retaining a lot of water last night, so not surprised.

(9 comentarios)

08 enero 2010

Here is my quote for the day:

<img src="http://cuteasabotton.com/fsecret/keepcalm.jpg">

Ladies and gentlemen, I am here to tell you that the practice of afternoon tea should be resurrected as the cure to all that ails the mind, body and soul. If it is possible to be in love with a place, the <a href="http://crownandcrumpet.com/"><b>Crown & Crumpet Tea Salon</b></a> is my forevermore heart-throb. Perched on the second level of Ghirardelli Square in San Francisco, this tea shoppe (it MUST be spelled with the "e") is a girlish fantasy of whimsy and femininity that cannot be missed. The tea selection is stunning, the scones are evil, and the tea sandwiches fill you up in a surprising manner that is delightfully unexpected. I thoroughly enjoyed my day out with the girls wearing tiaras I found at Target, and am sitting here as I type with a satisfied smile on my face. I thoroughly enjoyed every bite, and though the calories and fat and carbs are tipping the scales on the side of overly decadent, I timed it so I could enjoy myself. Huzzah! Long live the Queen.

<img src="http://cuteasabotton.com/fsecret/CC_group.jpg">
<img src="http://cuteasabotton.com/fsecret/candy.jpg">

And there's Kara's Cupcakes right next door. The caramel filled Fleur de Sel cupcake was DELICIOUS.

<img src="http://cuteasabotton.com/fsecret/kara.jpg">
<img src="http://cuteasabotton.com/fsecret/kara_case.jpg">
<img src="http://cuteasabotton.com/fsecret/kara_cup.jpg">

5 Wonderful Things:
- Crown & Crumpet Tea Salon
- Lemon curd
- Girlfriends
- Cupcakes
- Tiaras

FOOD TIMING:
Bed time: 1:45A
Wake time: 8:30
Weight: 237.8

10:45 - 12:30 - water
12:30 - cupcake
1:00 - 4:00 - tea/water
1:20 - lunch
6:00 - 7:00 - tea
7:00 - dinner
8:00 - 11:00 - tea/hot water

Needed to get something in me earlier than I did today. Felt like I was rushing all morning as a result of going to bed so late...AGAIN. Need to change this habit, am hoping this will change in hawaii. Walked up & down stairs this afternoon as we shopped. The 1 lb weight loss/fluctuation from yesterday seems flukey, and I expect I'll see a gain tomorrow morn.

(15 comentarios)

07 enero 2010

Today I drove to a client's home to inspect their property and make sure that they are insured properly. This part of my business is the part that is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I really enjoy meeting with my clients on their "home turf." They're more relaxed, they show me pictures of their family or their pets or their latest project. We talk about how long they've lived in their home and inevitably the memories and the acompanying stories will spill forth. I love the easy way they laugh or scratch their pooch behind the ears or follow behind me, proudly showing me what improvements they've done, with their own hands, often. That part, well, that part is great.

The part that turns the corner around the other edge of the sword, that part is the inspection itself. I live in an area of California commonly referred to as the Wine Country. Here we live amidst the rolling hills dotted with scrub oak and manzanita. In the spring, the vineyards are striped with row upon row of yellow mustard and wild radish and purple lupin. Dewy mornings are veiled in tatters of mist that hang beneath the valley oaks laced in Spanish moss. Postcard perfect, it is quite lovely.

Unless, of course, you're traipsing on aforementioned hillsides in heels and pantyhose, in a boiled wool coat and skirted business attire, clipboard in hand, Nikon SLR in the other, pen clenched between your teeth, snapping pictures and taking notes as the client's dog enthusiastically nudges his nose in your rearend, attempting to get beneath your skirt. You, of course, knowing full well your client is watching, smile brightly, acting as though you adore having dog nose driving into your parts, whilst balancing everything and keeping your footing and making sure you don't miss some feature of the home that you'll need to remember when you get back to the office.

The beauty, of course, is that my schedule can not always be planned with certain days for inspections and certain days for appointments in the office and certain days with business meetings offsite. I go from one thing to the next to the next, which sandwiches a home inspection between a business meeting and a new client meeting, with no time between to change from skirt, heels and pantyhose to jeans, mud boots and woollen socks and back again. I need a SuperMan presto-chango phone booth trailered behind my car and I'd be set.

But the amusing inconvenience is far outweighed by the way my client thanks me as I leave, pressing into my arms a bottle of their own wine, walking me out to my car as their dog gives me a parting shot up my skirt. These are the moments in my days that make me realize that business is done one relationship at a time, making a living being a part of people's lives in a small but potentially significant way. Listening to their stories, advising them about their insurance, and sanctioning the wet-nosed canine jostle of their beloved pets. This is the sort of double-edged sword that can be wielded to round out the sharp edges of my life, reminding me that there are days that, when taken in their entirety, come close to perfect.

5 Wonderful Things:
- Driving to a part of my valley that I had forgotten exists
- A strong handshake
- Feeling appreciated
- Laughing with my staff
- Sending flowers to someone who is not expecting them at all

FOOD TIMING:
Bed time: 12:35
Wake time: 6:30
Weight: 238.6

7:30 - 8:30 - tea
9:50 - breakfast
9:50 - 1:20 - tea
1:50 - lunch
2:10 - 8:00 - tea
8:30 - dinner
9:00 - 11:30 - tea

Didn't have soy nuts again today as I was out and about, but I did manage to have tea in a large insulated mug the whole time I was out of the office today. Woke up earlier than normal, now more tired than normal at nearly midnight.

(6 comentarios)

06 enero 2010

I am officially laying off one of my employees. This has been a decision that I have been dreading and have put off for much longer than I should have. In a small office, it is very easy to get close to the people you work with and thus feel responsible for their lives by virtue of being the provider of their paycheck. But I have been fronting the money to run my business from my own funds for much too long. Things have to change to sustain the health of my business for the long term. Now that the decision is final, the fallout is beginning to occur. But that's to be expected.

The parallels between my personal & professional lives are undeniable. There is not, in fact, a way to separate them. The health of my business, the health of my marriage, and the health of my body have been suffering for a long time. The changes I am necessarily having to make in all camps is causing
kicking and screaming by all the troops, including the general.

5 Wonderful Things:
- meeting a friend I haven't seen in over a year for coffee
- having the luxury to leave my office to go meet a friend for coffee
- having the luxury to leave my office for a month for vacation and to regroup
- feeling efficient
- making decisions that need to be made, even when they're difficult

FOOD TIMING:
Bed time: 2:10A
Wake time: 8:15
Weight: 238.6

9:00 - 12:15 - tea
10:45 - breakfast
1:00 - mocha
3:00 - 4:30 - water (on the run, had no tea)
5:15 - dinner
6:00 - 9:30 - tea

Had a lot of high calorie foods today and am not getting enough sleep. Tonight I need to get to bed sooner. Had a loss for the week, so that's good. Am looking forward to daily walks in the morning in Hawaii. They're a couple hours behind Cali time, so getting up at 6:00 shouldn't feel hard :) If I get to sleep earlier, this wouldn't be hard anyway...

(9 comentarios)

06 enero 2010

Peso:	Disminuído hasta ahora:	Aún para ir:	Dieta seguida:
108,2 kg	3,5 kg	37,9 kg	Bien

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