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My messy life is blowing up all around me. Holy cow. It's 8:30 and I'm still sitting in the office. I can't wait until this year is done. I hate saying that. But it's so true.
It's raining outside. And it's cold. I'm sitting here not wanting to go home but knowing I have to go home. I want to see my babygirl. And then I want to shut out the rest of my life. No more employees. No more grumpy home life. No more tears and drama.
I can't seem to see anything clearly. My marriage. My business. My health. I am so caught up in EVERYTHING that NOTHING is getting resolved. We are so under the gun right now in the office to finish out the year, that nerves are on edge. Everyone here thinks I am letting my personal life take over my business and my husband thinks I am letting my business take over my personal life. And everyone is probably right. I feel inadequate and mediocre. Passion resides in a place far away from me.
I want to downsize my life - My weight. My house. My business. I can't even address my marriage. The implications are terrifying right now. I am an onlooker and a participant in the unraveling of my own life and it carries with it a bruising sense of withdrawal. I am holding onto this journal as a peculiar sort of lifeline. Not because it gives me any answers, but because it puts in black & white the reality that is mine. I write a little each day and each day I know I have made it through. And if I make it through this day it means I can make it through the next. And I don't mean that in the sense of wanting to "end it all;" it's not that at all. I mean it in the sense of actually acknowledging what is happening rather than sweeping it under the rug like I am prone to do. And in the acknowledgement, knowing it can be survived. A day at a time.
I know, implicitly, that my weight issues are tied to everything that is going on. Not even tied; that suggests that they are 2 separate things that are then knotted together. It's more like a piece of fabric where each thread is woven to create a signature pattern and weft that in turn produces a whole. The tapestry of my life right now has umber and grey throughout, occassionally broken up by the sparkly rainbow bits named Gretchen. But as a whole it is bleak. I can't stand it. I want my colors back. They're there. I just want to bring them back.
FOOD TIMING:
Bed Time: 11:40
Wake Time: 9:15
9:40 - 2:30 - green tea
10:45 - cereal/yogurt
2:30 - lunch
4:30 - nonfat latte
6:00 - 9:00 green tea
8:00 - soy nuts
5 Wonderful Things
- A warm latte on a cold, wet day
- Kleenex with aloe vera (thank you whoever discovered how to do that!)
- Good friends who will listen to me cry on the phone forever and let me honk my nose in their ear
- Dried strawberries...oy vey...
- NyQuil...the "so you can sleep medicine"...they ain't kidding!
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1271 kcal
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Grasa: 47,63g | Prot: 60,45g | Carbh: 149,22g.
Desayuno: blueberries, milk, Wallaby Organic Lowfat Yogurt, sunflower seeds, green tea. Almuerzo: Caramels Candies, Smart & Delicious Low Carb High Fiber Whole Wheat - LARGE, cilantro, arugula, red bell pepper, roast beef, chocolate cake, dried strawberries. Pasa Bocas / Otros: whiskey, pistachios, sugar free vanilla syrup, espresso, nonfat milk, green tea, soy nuts. más...
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 Comentarios
I can tell you all to well that I feel your pain. I have been through much of what you are going through and some days still feel it. Up to my elbows (or other body part!) in alligators was and some days still is how I feel quite often. I have to say that when one owns their own business it really owns them. I am not sure that those of us in that position CAN seperate our personal and professional lives in the way that others who work for "the man" can. I also do not think anyone who does not own or has not owned a business can fully understand that. It is difficult to seperate all the things you do, never mind, want, in a life that is so full. I found that I really had to refocus, give up a lot and decide what was most important. Anyone who did not want to come along for that ride was welcome to get off at the "next" stop. It was painful and quite often I second guessed myself. I am still not "done" but am in a better place than I was and hope you can do the same. If you need an ear I am here. :)
30 dic. 09 por el miembro: dawn0001
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Thank you so much, Dawn. This "self-employed" journey the last 2 years has wreaked havoc in every way possible. I just had no idea. Even with as long as I have been in & out of the insurance business, I had no clue what being in the Hot Seat as "Da Boss" was going to be like. I am humbled and unnerved in ways I didn't even know were possible. I have never done something about which I have felt so inadequate. I feel like a horrible wife, a horrible boss, a horrible mother, a horrible friend, a horrible person - all things that I am putting on myself. But I am getting some of those things reinforced in the very places I could use some support, namely at home and in my office. I feel like I have surrounded myself with all the wrong people and now something must change or it will take me down. I never knew things would be like this. Good Lord. And yes, the 2nd guessing is agonizing. I feel like Queen Waffle. ::SIGH:: Oh dear. Well, thanks for listening to me!
30 dic. 09 por el miembro: MsWahine
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