A major obstacle I struggle with is performance anxiety. By this I mean this pressure to do or be at a high level of functioning or excellence on an ongoing basis. While I definitely struggled with it as a teen and had horrible depression back then, I realize now as a Believer, an adult with a very different, better life, that that struggle still remains. If anything it's gotten warped a little in an insidious and perhaps heretical way that I am slow to realize until I am in the thick of it.
What happens is that I feel like as a Christian, I have to embody the epitome of Christian values and work ethic all the time because the world is watching me, judging me, and waiting at a hair trigger to condemn both me and My G-d. Now the being disliked part is personally undesirable and unpleasant, but I kind of feel like I could deal with it if it were just that. I felt mostly ostracized as a kid, so what would be any different facing that kind of loneliness now? Also, if I am being rejected or persecuted FOR my being authentic about my faith (and not simply for being obnoxious either religiously or otherwise), that means I must be doing something right because look who else was rejected and persecuted? Joseph. David. The prophets of old. Martyrs throughout history. Even G-d Incarnate was despised and reviled. These people were striving for and attained something greater the fame, fortune, or the praise of man; their reward is incorruptible. If I am in their company, then that is something to be glad of because that is something worthwhile.
However, I don't often feel like that's the case. I don't necessarily feel like I'm rejected because of something noble like that. Often I feel like if I am rejected, it's because I am an idiot/ fool and I earned that. Also, I become paranoid that the moments where I fail to keep G-d's standard will make me guilty for the souls of other people who refuse to reconcile with Him. Nothing like hypocrisy to send people running amok in every conceivable direction except the one they need.
The problem though is that I fail to allot for G-d's grace, both to myself and others. I tend to be very intellectual, but perhaps not very rational, so I have trouble when concepts don't make sense to me. I was reluctant to accept G-d's atoning sacrifice because I knew I didn't deserve it. I hate the idea of debt. I hate the idea of not being able to give something in return because it reminds me of how inadequate and helpless I can feel and can be. Those aren't things I like to think about or notice. However, my intellectual mind resisted grace until I realized that nothing I could do would prevent G-d from experiencing the suffering that grace cost Him. When I realized that it was more about what He deserved instead of what I deserved I had to relent. How could I take so lightly such a huge gift and not appreciate what was done for me?
So my life changed a lot- in some immediate ways, but also in gradual ways. And yet whenever there have been low points, when I've made mistakes, I see myself getting anxious or paranoid because I don't want to be the reason someone else rejects G-d. Others may. Some of my own family may. Friends may. Various people may resist G-d their whole lives, and then learn the hard way what a mistake that was. That is a painful thing to think about. It's painful wondering if my grandparents who have died are really at peace. One of my grandmas died of complications to a stroke. On her death bed she was telling family that was present that she wasn't ready, that she didn't want to go. I've wondered sometimes if part of those statements weren't based on a fear of death, but an awareness of what we be on the other side.
As I get older I see more people die around me- some at ripe old ages, and others not much different than me or even much younger than I am. Death is a loss. With loss there is a desire to comfort, but what if the words of comfort only serve to offer false hope? What a cruel thing that seems to me, yet nothing can be done for those who are dead. Only the living have hope; the dead either are lost or are resting in the hope they received while alive, but we can't really know who's who this side of heaven.
So what I find myself left with is this semi rational, internal pressure to perform because, if I'm wearing the team jersey and performing like an all star on the court, maybe spectators will respond when the coach looks to enlist them. When I can articulate it for what it is I realize how stupid and reprehensible the notion is, so full of vanity, that I somehow need to be superwoman or else the grace of G-d won't be evident to those who know me. I know I am not perfect. I sometimes feel uncomfortably and intimately aware of that concept.
I am less familiar with grace, and honestly I don't understand grace at all. My intellectual mind keeps trying to decode it or find some formula, somehow assume some responsibility so that I could have some control over the welfare of people I love and save them from horrors they can't possibly imagine. The truth is, I can't do that, and when I try I cheat them of the true meaning of grace. I'm such a failure in ways I can't even begin to express and define. I am not saying that to put myself down. I also know I am loved beyond comprehension and that I am valued beyond gold or jewels or any treasure in this world. And yet, I am at G-d's mercy and subject to His grace just as everyone else is. This is something I cannot fathom and therefore I often misunderstand and create confusion where there ought not be any.
"The law of the Lord is perfect,[c] reviving the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple; 8 the precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes; 9 the fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; the rules[d] of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether. 10 More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb. 11 Moreover, by them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward."
I don't like not having answers and not understanding. It scares me that I don't know what will become of some of my friends and family that I know are far from G-d. I keep hoping that if they're watching me, they're not just waiting for me to fail to have an excuse to dismiss G-d and ignore His testimonies. And yet I do not know what will happen. Yet, I know this: G-d is a compassionate, merciful, holy and just King. I just hope that my life does more to honor Him than to discredit Him.
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You should have been a religious scholar.
23 may. 14 por el miembro: jparlett
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The easiest way for me to understand how God feels about us is how I feel about my own children. If I love them as much as I do no matter how imperfect I am then how much more does the Lord love me. How much more does he forgive me and cover me with His grace. He will pull to Himself all whom He has called. I can only try my best and realize I am not perfect nor is anyone else and that is why we are all in need of a Savior in the first place. He will use all of me for His glory.
23 may. 14 por el miembro: iamachristianjesusfreak
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I love both of the responses above. Again, you precious soul, you express things that I am sure I have felt many many times but never put into words, especially with your gift of communication. I feel like I know you. You are not alone. Those of us who truly love the Lord will always doubt ourselves and beat ourselves up for a lot of reasons. On the bright side, if you study the scriptures, which it is very obvious you already do, you will see a HUGE theme on the subject of pride that carries through in probably every single chapter of the Bible. It's a really big deal. A verse that comes to mind "God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble." Remember the verses outlining the very short list of the things God hates? "a proud look" was one. Remember how Paul prayed EARNESTLY 3 times for God to take away his thorn in the flesh, and God said no - and it was explained that lest being lifted up with pride he was made to continue to suffer. If there ever was a Christian who had the hotline to God it was Paul, and God said no. I said all that to say this: Humility looks a LOT like what you write. That self doubt is inherent in it. The Lord prefers YOU to the "successful" people because inherent in that life of "perfection" pride sneaks in ever so subtly. A person like that might impress people but our Father isn't impressed. I have been looking at themes that are carried out in the whole Bible so that I can know Him deeper. I want to understand Him as best my tiny brain can. I love getting to know him better every day. He is so sweet to me, and it is hard to comprehend the depth and breadth of His love even though he is showing me in tangible ways. After awhile, you begin to care less and less about what the world thinks of your behavior and you draw closer to Him. Instead of trying to act a certain way or behave as you feel you should, draw closer to Him and He will draw closer to you, and that will feel like a warm blanket, as you are held in the Father's arms. Just this morning on the way to work I got all choked up, as I often do, in our private conversation as I am driving along. I was thinking about how He has said he wants fellowship with us. Enoch was a "friend of God" but that is there for anyone who wants it. It feels so good. He healed my heart and I am eternally grateful.
27 may. 14 por el miembro: Farfelu
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On you being afraid for your loved ones who you feel are far from God- I honestly feel that God is more gracious then we believe. There is more then one way to follow Jesus and I think you can follow Jesus without even being aware of it. We can't judge, only God can. We can try to guess at how He will judge, but we can't truly know. Just because we think someone is far from God doesn't mean they are in their hearts or in God's eyes, we simply can not know. All we can do is follow Jesus and God as well as we know how, do our best to help others where they are open toour help and trust that God will bring the rest to himself however and whenever possible. Just my two cents, but I thought the concept might make you feel better..
27 may. 14 por el miembro: FitOKay
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Thanks Farfelu and Calyn! Farfelu, I think you are right that the direction of focus will make a big difference just as walking with one's face toward the sky versus the ground can change the experience of being on the journey. One day at a time.
Calyn, I think I get what you are saying. I can agree with you that G-d's judgments are not like our own and that we are not necessarily capable of discerning people's conditions as He is. However, by and large I don't believe it's possible to coincidentally or accidentally follow Jesus. I think it has to be a deliberate and conscious effort.
I know there is the parable in Matthew where Jesus explains how the way in which "the least of these" are treated is the way G-d receives our actions personally, so people who are compassionate will be surprised to hear G-d commend them for acts of service because He recognizes the significance of the grace bestowed even if they do not. Yet, repeatedly G-d points out that those who love Him obey Him and follow after Him. He says we can often know a tree by its fruit and that trees produce after their own kind (i.e, righteousness comes out of sanctification and wickedness comes out of selfish conceit). Therefore, while it is not foolproof, it is a good indicator that they are in danger because the Bible explicitly states that without the Son of G-d, man is subject to eternal judgment/ condemnation and currently most of my family and a large majority of my friends explicitly reject Him. (That's what I meant about hope possibly being false hope.)
I remember my mom taught me a challenging, valuable lesson about grace that I still struggle with- that is that people who we can look at and readily say deserve damnation- like Hitler (or insert name of any other successful genocidal dictator/ ruler)- may be in heaven now. Conversely, highly esteemed people like Mother Theresa may not be in heaven. (Previously I wasn't aware of controversy surrounding her, I had really admired her piety and diligent service to the poor, but am dismayed to realize/ be reminded again how a sinner who does good deeds is still a hopeless sinner unless he or she has G-d's salvation.)
I really don't believe we can drift towards holiness or unintentionally follow G-d, but your final point about focusing on the personal journey and trusting G-d is helpful/ encouraging.
28 may. 14 por el miembro: MrsTofu
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